An open letter to a bad driver

This has been posted on facebook, but sod it, thought I might as well post it here as well.

Dear Cunty McCunterton III of Cuntsville, Virginia.

The only reason why I presume you live in Virginia is because of how you were driving along the M6 near towards Stoke-on-Trent, England, UK.

First of all, allow me to apologise for my lack of ability to phase-shift through solid objects. It would appear that, as I was in the fast lane overtaking 4 Lorries, with a crash barrier on the right hand side, I was merely dawdling. In fact I was within the speed limit, maybe a unit or 2 over but that is irrelevant to you. I was in your way, which is why you must have flashed your lights. To warn me to get out of the way.

But here's the thing, due to my lack of phase-shifting abilities I could not go anywhere, let alone take my car with me. If I had attempted to do that I would end up either 4 inches thick (which would do wonders to my weight loss plan) on one side or resembled something made by Damien Hirst due to a crash barrier on the other. This is why I stood my ground and sped up a tiny bit so you were not able to see which colour of underwear I was wearing (blue, in case you're interested. With a worrying brown streak after seeing how close you got, not matter, I class it as a 'go-faster stripe'"

Secondly, why did you flash me? If you knew me at all you would know I can be a stubborn person and when somebody tries to scare me off the road, then I piss them off. That is why after you had kept your distance I slowed down so I was going *just* faster than the Lorries. I did not see anyone else complain, It could have been the fact that the government had decided to give out free Xanax for everyone and they were happy. Or maybe it was due to the roadwork’s we were stuck in with 50MPH emblazoned everywhere and average speed cameras dotted bout the place! Either way, I was not moving, so flashing me was useless (and quite rude, IMHO.)

Thirdly, why on earth did you start following me? Was it because I lacked the ability to phase-shift and travel THROUGH solid metal moving at 45-50mph? Was it because you were REALLY curious about the colour of my underwear? or was it because you just wanted to apologise to me for being a cunt? I shall never know as I never stopped. I wanted to at a couple of service stations, but as soon as I indicated, so did you. This made me uneasy and so I kept on travelling. Of course, things got really silly when you thought you could out-smart me and UNDERTAKE the lorry in the middle lane. He was there for a reason and that reason was the little reliant robin tootling along. Oh how red your face was when you discovered that, though I'm not sure if it was humiliation or anger.

At this point Sir, I feel I must point out that you were driving a clapped out Volvo Hatchback (F or K reg, I'm not sure) and were not driving the latest Cock-rocket you thought you were. May I give you a few tips to help you through life.

Calm down, your blood pressure will thank you
Untie you tie and don't let it strangle you
Notice the traffic ahead, and take positive actions to avoid accidents
Time your journey, If you are going to be late and let people know
Slow Down - feel better knowing that you're less likely to kill.

An easy way to remember this acronym is realise it also describes a certain genre of people who earn a 'special' place in my heart. C.U.N.T.S.

You were not in a brand new BMW. You were not in the latest Audi. For god's sake man, you weren't even in a mercedes van! You were in a clapped out Volvo hatch-back which I'm nigh-on sure had it's spare tire on!!!

Stop it, just Stop it, you're being silly.

Yours Sincerely

C